C'est vache la politique...

On a souvent tendance à estimer que la politique est une chose compliquée et trop complexe pour le commun des mortels. Les journalistes se font d'ailleurs un plaisir de nous l'expliquer, avec leur grille de lecture. Au détour d'un lien internet, j'ai trouvé les définitions ultimes des systèmes politiques. C'est la politique expliquée par les vaches. Je vous en livre quelques exemples, et rajoute le mien sur la Suisse au bout - il faut quand même une touche personelle sur un billet, non ? - si vous ne voulez pas lire tout le lien :

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

CAPITALISM - DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

CAPITALISM - REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both cows. The government sells the milk in government stores. You can't afford the milk. You wither away.

DEMOCRACY - FLORIDA: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking one.

FEMINISM -- You have two cows, you declare an amazonian state free of bull oppression and sit around waiting for the cows to hump each other.

NAZISM: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk which they milk themselves, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

[note : quelqu'un comprend les 13 semaines ?]

THEOCRACY - IDEALIZED: You have two cows. You get all the milk. You love God, He loves you.
THEOCRACY - REALITY: You have two cows. The priest takes all your milk to offer it to God and drinks it.

UNITED NATIONISM: You have two cows. France vetoes you from milking them. The United States and Britain veto the cows from milking you. New Zealand abstains.

Il y en a même une pour la Suisse ! Mais elle ne me satisfait pas véritablement :

CAPITALISM - SWISS: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others. If they give milk, you tell no one.

J'aujouterais donc pour ma part cela :

Démocratie Suisse : vous avez deux vaches. Avant de pouvoir faire quoi que ce soit avec ces vaches, vous entamez une consultation de tous les partenaires possibles : fermier, femme du fermier, voisins, consommateurs de lait, de viande, de fromages, CFF, vous faites une étude d'impact poussée et après dix ans, vous savez enfin ce que vous pouvez faire des vaches. Mais celles-ci déposent un referendum. Lorsque celui-ci est rejeté, une vache est morte et l'autre est folle...